


10 Years Worth of Love

by randomtruffle



Category: venting - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Honestly this is just venting, I wanted to post this somewhere, Kinda dumb and messy but I just poured out ten years of love, Multi, My own love story, Really personal?, Sad, Sad Ending, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 05:30:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15599355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomtruffle/pseuds/randomtruffle
Summary: Sometimes stories aren't meant to have a happy ending.Sometimes love isn't meant to be reciprocated.





	10 Years Worth of Love

Since first grade, you’ve been my source of happiness. Now, I can’t even think of you without bursting into tears. Was it the best or worst decision of my life to stay with you for the ride? Who knows at this point. The only thing that mattered to me was the fact that you never left first. At least, I didn’t believe you did.

First grade was such a long time ago, I can’t remember most details. We were six years old and didn’t know the impact we had on others. You had just moved here, wide eyed and nervous. I hadn’t paid much attention to you, not sure how to feel about this ‘new girl.’ Eventually you introduced yourself and, despite wanting to run away and hide, I smiled at you. From that point on, we were as close as you could get. We each had better friends at points but always ended up running back to each other.

By the time we were in middle school, I couldn’t talk to anyone. I hit such a low point in life that nothing mattered, not even you. Subconsciously, I think I already knew I loved you, but didn’t want to admit it. I dated a girl for a while, contemplating taking my own life or not. We didn’t talk much until I was hospitalized. I learned to appreciate others and myself while I was. It was hard, stepping into school after disappearing without a trace for two months. You were the first one to hug me, rambling about how everyone had been asking about me. I stared at you, unable to believe anyone cared. After you confirmed it multiple times. I finally hugged you back. I remember thinking, ‘wow she is the one I’m going to stay with forever. She won’t ever leave me!’ We began getting closer again after that. You hit your own low point and pushed me away.

During that time I struggled to get you to respond to text messages or phone calls. I thought you had gotten sick of me, but you always said you just needed time to think. One day I had messaged you about my day on the lake and how much I wished you were there. On that day, you broke my heart for the first time.

‘I don’t want to be friends anymore. Let’s stop.’

My heart stopped. I read it over and over again until bursting into tears. My parents were terrified and trying to understand why I was sobbing in the backseat, begging you not to leave. I was frantically texting you, asking why and how you could do it. I kept saying ‘don’t leave me. What did I do?’ You kept going on about how you didn’t want to hurt me when you died so you figured this was the best way. My mother contacted yours, telling her everything. Sometimes I regret it, but then I remember how you probably would’ve killed yourself if I hadn’t of told your mother. You ended up staying at a mental hospital for a few weeks, the same one I was at. When you came home, I was ecstatic. I thought this meant everything would go back to the way it was and we would be okay. For a while, that was the case, but all good things end. I noticed how my heart sometimes got choked up when you smiled, or how I let you treat me however as long as you stayed with me. It was unhealthy, I know, but I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world. It’s funny, at the time YOU were my world.

We entered high school and a lot changed. You joined the marching band and had little time for me. You made new friends and I saw you less and less. I was happy for you, you finally seemed generally happy! I let you drift away, watched you slip through my fingers. I texted you a lot and tried to hang out, but you usually didn’t respond. Sometimes it took days for you to respond. I was okay with it as soon as you said I was your favorite and your best friend. Sounds dumb right? 

I dated a lot of people while shoving the feelings for you down. The worst was my tenth grade girlfriend. She was the worst because she was at our school. I wasn’t used to this, having to see them even after we broke up. But I dated her because of you and your girlfriend. When I met your girlfriend in ninth grade, I thought maybe something good can come and I can finally forget being alone because of you. Turns out I was wrong, so so wrong. We didn’t talk much until tenth grade. She told me about how much she liked you and how you guys had kissed because of truth or dare. I felt my heart snap a little bit, not break. It hurt a lot but you were both so happy. Slowly I fell for her more and more until eventually you two got together. Watching you two together was beautiful. I was so happy for you guys. We were all three close, especially since she invited me a lot because we had gotten so close. Sometimes I’d forget we weren’t all dating. That you two had no idea how badly I wanted both of you. I’m a little fucked up, aren’t I? Polyamorous and hopeless! Even before I realized how deep I was, we kissed. Everyone in our friend group did. Well my old friend group and your current one. So while we three had our own little adventures, we’d kiss sometimes and cuddle up together. You pouted everytime her and I kissed, so we both had to kiss you again. I loved it. I felt so full of love. At the end of the day, I was always reminded I was just there and not a part of you guys. I was just a friend to both of you. 

Maybe I should’ve stopped the closeness when I realized how I seriously felt about both of you. I used to joke about being in love with you guys and one day, I realized it was true. It felt so nice and warm so I let it happen. Until I got drunk and sad. I drunk texted her, rambling and making no sense until the fatal ‘I’m in love with both of you.’ I went on and on about how sorry I was and how I wished I was apart of you two. Don’t get me wrong. I love the person I’m dating and wouldn’t trade it for the world, but you guys were the longest people I had loved. It stuck with me even though it wasn’t as large as what I felt for my current partner. Does that make me gross? Dirty? A cheater? I’m not sure. What I am sure of though is that, despite loving and losing, I still have you two in my heart. 

Ultimately, this is the reason I lost almost all of my friends. Apparently I made you two uncomfortable after telling her, even though she promised to not tell anyone. What did I expect though? I should’ve known. The rest of the group never treated me well or even really liked me so I guess it wasn’t a big deal. You texted me after I called all of you out and my mother texted you. You said you still cared about me and didn’t mean to hurt me. That you would fix it and make it okay again. I said it was up to you to be friends, that I was tired of chasing after you when I would always be left behind. Since that day, you haven’t contacted me. I told you happy birthday and you said thanks but that was it. Nothing else. I expected it, but I didn’t think it would hurt this much. 

In the end I loved and lost. Do I regret it? No not at all. I wouldn’t trade how I feel for the world. Maybe I’ll always love you two, but for now it’s time for me to let go and move on. For me and you. I’m finally happy with my situation and myself. Thank you for letting me love and learn. Thank you for giving me the best and worst experiences of my life.


End file.
